It's A Head Banger Career Clanger!
Make sure and tell
me when to stop, Britney.
Are you sure you
want me to pour you
another drink, Ms.
Spears?
Britney having a couple of drinks and letting her hair down last Friday.
It can tonight be confirmed that ex-Pop Princess Britney Spears has gone mental and decided to baldly go, I mean boldy go, where loads
of other pop princessess have gone before her: the bottom.
Felicia Culotta, ex Spears employee and would be best friend, left
an email message on a web-site gossip blog begging Spears to get herself together before she hit, quote, "Rock bottom." Or maybe she
should have said, "Pop bottom."
"It's a total disaster!" claimed top secret Spears insider my mate Duggy earlier tonight, "Now,
not only does Britney not have anything going on inside her head, she doesn't have anything going on outside of it either! Before
she was pretty vacant, but now she's just vacant!"
Duggy, who's perverse sexual fantasy life has been severly impaired by the
sight of a bald Spears, is only one of many totally deranged and disappointed Britney Spears fanatics.
After her divorce from pretend rapper Kevin Federline last November, Spears entered into a crazed binge of nightlife excess,
letting herself go in every sense of the phrase, with wild tap-dancing, stripping and cavorting with other females! Although she teamed
up with internet slapper Paris Hilton for a while, Hilton is apparantly fuming about Britney's new image. She exclusively spoke about
her feelings to my mate Duggy during a dream he had at 3.30 this afternoon:
"Everybody's calling her 'head slapper'!" Paris moaned.
"She's stealing my words! The words 'slapper' and 'head' have been associated exclusively with me for years now! This could effect
my search ratings on the internet! I hate the bald bitch!" Strong words indeed!
Britney Spears! The Pop Tart Years!
Gee, that guy is pointing the way home without using his hands...
Whoa baby! Where did it all go wrong? Perhaps here, where Spears seems to be attempting to corner the elusive pedophile market.
You're not scared of dolls, are you?
Teen Britney standing out amongst all the other dolls during her reign as princess of pop.
This isn't the baby,
Kevin! Where did you
last have the
baby?
Dude, are you
just trying to avoid
telling me what you think of my hat?
Happily, the overly ambitious Britney got married. Unhappily, she married this guy.
The result of letting herself go was that Britney's hair turned black, she got fat, and she got slop-happy. Questions were asked after
she cavorted almost naked in a night club with another almost naked girl. Then, after the divorce and a short lived relationship with
that guy, what-his-name, came accusations that Spears had enjoyed sex romps with girls in the privacy of her own home! Spears decided
to deal with her excesses by entering rehab, currently holding the record for shortest stay ever!
"She was pictured entering
rehab," my mate Duggy told me after his doze, "through the revolving doors at Eric Clapton's, 'Crossroads Center.' The problem was
she went round full circle and came straight back out again. It's hard to believe the stay did her much good." Unfortunately, I had
to point out to Duggy that it's also hard to believe anything he says.
Britney Spears! The Kojak Years!
Hmm... anyhow,
people are saying
I'm a lesbo. I'm
thinking of suing.
Don't talk with
your mouth
full.
Hot To Trot, Or Not, Or What? Britney is dismayed by all the unfounded allegations.
Golly,my hair
is stuck in the
tree branches
again.
Then Britney found that she often caught her hair in tree branches whilst out on country walks.
Who loves
ya, Britney?
'Cos I sure as
hell don't.
Influenced? It's a little known fact that Britney grew up watching re-runs of the classic Seventies cop show, 'Kojak'!
Psst. Do you come here often?
Just let me
drop the kid
off.
Hair Gets In Your Eyes: Being blinded by a lock of hair was the last straw for the loving mother...
Legs apart,
phallic symbol,
long blonde hair.
I'm rich
already!
Falling
apart, can't
stand up. No hair.
So? I'm still in
the papers!
Starting to feel sorry for poor little Britney, and worried that she might become another Anna-Nicole, I asked the only expert I didn't
trust to say anything that made too much nasty sense -- my mate Duggy -- if he thought the poor white trash nut had any idea
what she was doing to herself and her career. "Oh, I think so," Duggy replied, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. "First she'll have
a complete breakdown. Then she'll have an exclusive with Oprah and a new, darker, more edgy album to promote, on which she has 'written'
the lyrics. Then comes the movie about her breakdown and survival, and a live appearance with Bono.
"After that, she meets
the Pope, after being advised not to tongue kiss him. Not in public, anyway. Then she stays in the public eye forever and ever...
After Paris and Lindsey are long gone and forgotten, Britney will be here: Pop Star, Rock Star, Talk Show Host, whatever, she'll be
here, and she'll never ever leave. Never!"
As the philosopher Plato once said, 'Ooops, I did it again, and again and again and
again. I think, therefore I am Britney.' Amen.
I think I'll play myself in the movie. After
all, nobody can pretend to be me like I can...
Can you spot the only real crack in Britney Spears? Take a closer look..
