I don't want a roll in the hay. I just want a stable relationship...
Relationship Whoas! Horse Mad Harry Potter Going Mental Yesterday.
Superstar actor and hero of the Harry Potter film franchise, Daniel Rowling, or whatever his name is, shocked the film community,
concerned parents, and fans alike yesterday by announcing his decision to go mental.
Radcliffe announced his plans to get naked
on stage and poke a few horses eyes out to a stunned classroom of eight year old Harry Potter fans. Many of the children were visibly
indifferent to the news, two nodding off half-way through his speech, but their parents took yet another opportunity to go stark,
raving mad!
Many are concerned about the effect seeing Harry Potter running around naked, getting hot for horses, then poking
their eyes out when they say 'Neigh,' to his demands for a roll in the hay will have on their vulnerable, not bothered children.
Potter, I mean Radcliffe, will play the lead character in the new production of Peter Shaffer's classic psycho-drama, 'Equus,' about
a young man who has the hots for horses and likes to poke their eyes out. Potter, sorry Radcliffe, has already posed naked with both
a girl and a horse for steamy and controversial publicity shots. He will be required to get naked and simulate sex with the horse,
by mounting and riding it in way that isn't taught in Jockey School. Producer David Pugh told us yesterday: "I was amazed to
see that Harry, I mean Nathanial, no, Daniel, has a six-pack. He has gone from being an awkward boy wizard, I mean actor, to being
an adult Swan." However, many are concerned about how their children will feel about their favourite magical "Swan" blinding
and raping gee-gees.
With the eagerly awaited seventh and final Harry Potter book, "Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows," set
to be released on July 21, spelling the end of the road for the magical film franchise, some feel that the Potter craze is heading
towards a manic, never before seen peak, as frenzied fans become increasingly desperate to know if author JP Rowling will kill off
the bespeckled Wizard. Bizarrely, many now feel that it might be a good idea.
Psychologists are also worried that both children
and mentally unstable adult fans won't be able to differentiate between the Potter character and the disturbed horse botherer Radcliffe
is set to portray in the new stage version, which will open late February. "I don't know why Harry Potter would do something like
that to horses," long time Harry Potter fanatic my mate Duggy said earlier today. "He had a nice girlfriend in the films. Why didn't
he do it to her instead? I know I would."
HAIRY POTTER AND THE PSYCHO HORSE BOTHERER!
I say Hairy, let's get out of here and have a quick roll in the hay.
Heh heh heh.... heh heh heh... I hope you're not just horsing around.
A horse is a horse,
of course, of course,
unless he's Mister
Dead...
And he soon gave hay, I mean way, to his dark side.
Hairy started out as an average kid who meddles in black magic, but the seeds of his mentalism had already been planted.
I say, I'd like to
mount you, horsey, and
give you a jolly hard
ride.
I hate working
with the
British.
Hairy and up for it. Just one magic wand a two sugarlumps away from breaking the law yesterday.
Get me the police,
quick. Hairy Potter, sorry, Daniel Radcliffe is in the area.
NEIGHbourhood Watch: Mr. Ed wastes no time after spotting Potter in the vicinity.
I'm going to turn you into a man,
Hairy.
That's nothing. I'm going to turn her into Champion The Wonder Horse.
However, many US based Christian groups have claimed for years now that the corruptive influence of "black magic" practising
Potter on young people would inevitably flower into outright evil. "It was bound to happen," said Arty Mangrapple III, leader of the
independant, 'Church Of Permanently Outraged Christians For A Republican Friendly God.' "Hairy Potter was evil and poor little
Daniel Whitecliffs didn't stand a chance after playing him through all those movies. It's just plain horse sense. He was bound
to turn. God knows we all prayed for him. We prayed for him night and day."
When I asked Mr. Mangrapple why he thought
that the prayers of his congregation hadn't been answered, he looked surprised. "Why, they have been!" he exclaimed. "We prayed for
the little bastard to be punished! Now he's living in sin with a race horse! Hallelujah! Would you care to donate towards our
new coffee machine, Sir?"
Oh man. I mean, Amen.
Hairy Potter takes another blind date by surprise yesterday.
Hairy learns about the birds and the bees... and the horses.
I say, are you
loving it, bitch?!
I bet you jolly well
are!
Hairy whips out his wand and gives one in the eye to Black Beauty yesterday.
