It's A Seed Spiller Thriller Chiller!
Grab yourselves a handful, kids...
Jackson Awaiting The Opening Of Shrek II Back In 2004.
Michael Jackson, Courtroom Megastar, Unemployed factotum white-trash cracker, one time singer and androgynous non-pedophile,
is back in the United States after spending time living in places as diverse as Bahrain, France, Mars, And Ireland.
Jackson left Ireland in a storm of controversy after two Irish grave diggers claimed to have witnessed the superstar inappropriately
touching a leprechaun whilst hanging around a graveyard. The charges were later dropped when the accusers, Paddy and Shamus,
sobered up and admitted that the leprechaun was probably just a young boy.
However, Jackson was upset by the incident and decided to go back to the States, although not back to his Disney-like Neverland
Ranch, which he famously tried to sell to Victoria 'Posh Spice' Beckham after his damaging US courtcase. Posh turned Jackson down,
reportedly because she was scared that Soccer Star husband David might neglect his soccer and advertising duties and just play
on the rides all day.
Jackson's new residence is still a mystery at the time of writing. However, an African American sign-writer,
Denzel Philidelphia, claims to have witnessed strange goings on at a large ranch that was purchased by a mystery buyer. "Lot
of big cars, lots of bodyguards," he told us yesterday. "All white boys. That's what makes me think it's Jackson. You know how them
cracker's stick together. Then when I asked what this mystery employer wanted me to write on the sign, they told me he wanted the
place called, 'Neveragain Land.' That's when I knew for sure who it was." Unfortunately, the location of the mystery ranch cannot
be revealed, because we forgot to ask where it was.
A pint o' Guinness
dere, mi gud man, be jaaaasus!
Jackson toned down his image to try and fit in with locals in Ireland.
I hope this court case doesn't make me lose face.
Meltdown?: Jackson faced the music... and danced.
I can't wait to dump these niggas and go solo.
Michael, thinking like a no good white trash cracker already.
I think your ear is coming off again, Mr. Jackson.
I'm so upset. I'm
falling apart.
Michael lending an ear to his lawyer in 2005.
I wish I was Marylin Monroe.
The King and Queen of Pop: King Madonna takes Queen Michael out on the town.
I'm gonna tickle your chin again! Can you feel it? Huh?
Michael's devoted army of lawyers were always there to keep his spirits up.
Ready to re-establish himself in the States, Jackson is now firmly on the comeback trail... in Japan. The superstar is planning a
series of "fan appreciation," events, including the chance for fans to meet and greet the great man for 30 to 60 seconds for a fee
of only $3,300.00 dollars each. "Michael is sincere about his fan appreciation scheme," Jackson fanatic my mate Duggy told me yesterday.
"He's been unemployed for sometime now and he'd really appreciate them a lot if they handed him $3,300.00 dollars a minute."
However, despite the charge, the legendary singer and dancer is not planning to actually sing or dance. "That would cost too much,"
Duggy explained. "Michael is always thinking of those less fortunate than himself. And this is a family event. He wants to meet families.
He wants to meet their kids and... appreciate them."
Jackson's unemployment became an embarrassment when he failed to convince
Las Vegas bosses to give him a show. He ended up being forced to accept a part-time Valet job, but crashed several cars and a bicycle
and was let go. He was working as a shelf-stacker in a Mall in Burbank when he was mobbed by a large group of Japanese school
children on vacation and decided to let them take him home with them.
NO JIVE... IT'S THE JACKSON FIVE!
When I grow up I'm gonna
be the biggest star in the world and everyone'll
LOVE me!
The child Michael: Wide eyed and bushy... headed.
Good looking, gifted, but troubled. By his early twenties Michael was so thin he often had to hold his trousers up. A habit that could
have saved him a lot of trouble in later years... Allegedly!
I'm bad, I'm
bad... And I
know it.
As Michael's dark side became darker, his skin became lighter.
Something on my
face? Where?
Here?
As Michael's life slowly came apart, so did his head.
I wish this freak
cracker would get
his hands off
of me.
Micheal Jackson before and after success went to his head, skin, chin, eyes, nose...etc.
However, Jackson is hoping to put his past behind him and rebuild his career in the States and in the rest of the world. "It's a bit
of a dilemma for him," Duggy told me exclusively yesterday after everyone else wandered out of the room. "He wants to put his past
behind him, but if he plans to be anything other than a dishwasher or a janitor, he isn't going to be able to. Unfortunately, his
whole future depends on it." Oww!
Michael Jackson: Planning to get himself together before launching his big US comeback yesterday.
I know it's an old one, but the color matches my shirt.
