Columbia pictures have formally announced a sequel to Ron Howard's adaptation of the Dan Brown mega-hit, "The Da Vinci Code." The
film, starring old person Tom Hanks and angel-eyed sexpot, dreamboat, cute-as-a-button direct descendant of God Almighty, French beauty
Audrey Tautou, has raked in approximately 280 million dollars in the last five minutes and producers now feel that they want some
more. Rumors abound that the studio have commissioned an adaptation of Brown's 2000 hit, "Angels & Demons," which first introduced
the Langdon character to a huge audience of easily swayed, cousin marrying hillbillies. Langdon, a Harvard professor of iconology
and religious art, who keeps managing to get himself caught up in hard to believe situations before figuring his way out of them by
doing puzzles, became hugely popular, probably because Inspector Morse was cancelled that year.
However, Breaking News has it on good authority (My buddy Duggy had a vision and phoned me up about it, whilst begging for his job
back), that the new film will be a PREQUEL concentrating on the life of SILAS, the psychotic albino monk assassin from the first fact-packed
film. Silas is a tortured, complex character, who is so stupid that he straps chains to his legs so tightly that he can barely walk,
then goes to Paris and starts trying to follow people. Despite being a permanently confused, gullible moron, Silas struck a chord
with Da Vinci fans and is quickly becoming a cult character. Whilst begging for work at Howard's production office, Duggy stole a
page from a printer which appears to contain titles for a five act screenplay with the following titles:
1. The Sounds Of Silas.
2. Silas Is Golden. 3. Silas When You
Possibly the most disturbing (or amusing, depending on how sincere you're being), aspect of this movie is the large number of TOTAL
NUTS it's attracted! Duggy, who is one of them, told me yesterday: "A growing number of conspiracy theorists now believe that Ron
Howard was groomed for years, possibly from birth, to make what will be a series of movies designed to bring about not the end
of Christianity, but the exposure and murder of the real descendants of Jesus!" Duggy went on, "I've found out for myself that if
you listen closely to the theme song to 'Happy Days,' you can hear another track played at a subliminal level along with the real
one!" Duggy then claimed that this was arranged by the sinister Catholic sect, Opus Dai, to brain-wash people so that they would feel
compelled to see the movie when they grew up! Last year, they ORDERED the Roman Catholic church to complain about the movie as loudly
as possible upon its release, knowing this would also make everyone want to see it!
After Duggy provided me with the secret lyric
(or mantra), I found that I actually did hear the secret song when I next heard the theme tune to Happy Days! And I later found myself
singing along to it in the shower! Breaking News now EXCLUSIVELY exposes you to this evil mantra for our own entertainment, but be
warned: It may be easy to take the deceptively simply lyric in, but NOT EASY to get rid of! Don't read below if you'd rather not be
subjected to it.
Sunday, Monday...
Opus Dai!
Tuesday, Wednesday... Opus Dai!
Thursday, Friday...
Opus Dai!
The Mad Monk comes,
He kills some Nuns,
Then
Starts Hobbling After You!
These Clues are ours! We've Got The Key!
(Oh, Opus Dai!)
These Clues are ours! Thank Da Vinci!
(Oh, Opus
Dai!)
Goodbye déjà!
Hello Vu!
I swear on the bible!
It must be true!
The critics are right!
This film is wrong!
But at least it's better...
Than King Kong!
Repeat eternally...
Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Louvre...
"Confessions Of A Psychotic Albino Monk Assassin..."
I should have got
a taxi. My legs
are killing me.
Under Cover. The Freak Shall Inherit The Earth?
They've
murdered
Ron Howard!
The Louvre, Paris. No cameras. No Guards. No Anything, of course.
Speak To An Officer. 4. Silas In Court. 5. Silas Prevails. So far, Howard's Office have remained silas about the matter, I mean silent
about the matter.
How much do
you want for the
Eye-Full Tower?
Dan Brown. Condemned to spend eternity laughing all the way to the bank.
I think my character would have a new haircut in the sequel, Ron. Right?
Qu’est-ce qu’il
est bête!
That little bubble-
head is stealing
my big scene!
The stars. Clearly delighted to hear about the sequel.
Let's hide in
that greenhouse
behind us!
That little scene
grabber is making
me lose face!
A Theft At The Louvre: Audrey Tautou Is Scene Stealing Again.
I was nothing but an extra
in that film! Audrey Twatwho stole the whole thing! When was the last time Nat 'King' Cole sang about her,
eh?
Moaning Lisa: Still, keep smiling, eh?
Cool! A crucifix lamp! Now I'll be able to rip the flesh from my back properly!
The psychotic albino monk assassin shows that you don't always have to go out to have a night on the lash.
That psychotic albino monk assassin is so cute!
Sir Ian with Ms. Tautou. The closest this movie brought him to a conversion.
WARNING! EVIL HAPPY DAYS MANTRA BELOW!
Tsk. I wish I could
grow a beard like
the lads.
Stand By Your Man. St. John yesterday.
