Skinny's Get Sack!
Fat Is Back!
I look so good, I
could eat myself.
Well, maybe just a
leg for starters.
DominCAKEtress. Fancy a gobble? She does!
Beautiful, talented, vivacious, cuddly, great big fat actress Cake Winslett, I mean Kate Winslett, recently won a sizeable amount
in a court settlement after British magazine Gratzia accused her of seeing a diet doctor!
In reality, Cake had gone to see Doctor
Yi Pan at his Chinese Healing Clinic in California for help with a neck injury incurred when she swallowed a Black Forest Gatto whole
and it became lodged in her throat.
Dr Yi Pan, well known for his dietary programme, has faced some cynicism about his explanation
by many members of the press (my mate Duggy, mainly), but has put this down to racist attitudes, telling us yesterday, "Just because
I'm Chinese, doesn't mean I'm wong. I mean wrong."
Winslett knew she was on a winner when she walked into the court-room
and the judge started laughing, saying, "Who's going to believe that porker's ever been on a diet! Gratzia, you mentalists!" Winslett
responded by bursting into tears of joy and relief, then sat down and had two Snicker's bars and a bag of M&M's.
Cake's victory follows on the heels of the banning of super thin models from a high-profile Madrid fashion show. Pressure on other shows
and agencies to ban super thin models has been mounting ever since and many feel that cuddly, curvy, shapely women will soon take
their places, which some see as a welcome return to the fleshy hey-day of the busty blonde back in the 1950's.
Fashion and cultural
expert, my mate Duggy, told me yesterday: "The movie mogels of the nineteen fourties and fifties were obsessed by curvy women who
had blonde hair and huge breasts. They wanted to audition women like that and they did. Lots of them. Possibly all of them. All
day, every day. On the weekends, they'd put their trousers back on and go play golf. Lucky bastards."
After slipping into
some kind of trance, which involved drooling, Duggy added: "Unfortunately, the fashion world has taken over and those who influence
it seem to go for the malnourished, junky, teenage boy look. Can't think why." Duggy then began to giggle helplessly, so I eased him
back into a trance, by beating him senseless.
Skinny Versus Curvy! The Fashion Battle Of The Decade!
Court Case Outrage! Cake Wins BIG!
Oh crap, my jeans
have burst open
again...
BIG star Cake Winslett yesterday...
Psst. Ze cakes are
in za cannizter,
Zizter Vinslett...
You have ways of making me talk
with my mouth full,
but I forgive you.
Hamming it up, with a helping of cheese: All the ingreediants you need for your average War Movie.
So I said to
Leonardo, Not exactly Titanic is it? I've had bigger
hotdogs, mate.
Girls' Talk. Cake and Kate chewin' the fat yesterday.
Despite the stamping out of cigarettes and the laying on of cakes for the world's top models, the obese are still far from acceptable,
at least for the time being. "I always hated those lard-asses," Duggy later explained, whilst polishing off his second bottle of whisky.
"But then one day this lard-ass told me, "Imagine if an alcoholic had to limit himself to just two or three drinks a day, in order
to stay alive. How long would he last?" Duggy then hiccuped and admitted: "That warmed me right up to them. At least they're not bland
and average, like the guys and girls who hate them so much." After making this heroic stand for the fatties, Duggy quietly slid off
his chair and into unconsiousness, where he belongs.
Hey big boy.
Wanna jump my
bones?
Sex on a stick? Sex IS a stick?
I wish the girls backstage would stop saying, 'Break a leg...'.
These Boots Were Made For Walkin': More than be said for these legs.
That's David
Hasseloff. Maybe
I can get on
Baywatch...
Oh well, maybe she has a bouncy personality?
Does my butt
look big in this?
For The Lurve Of Curve. Vida Guerra (pronounced Grrrrraah), yesterday.
Oh, gee, my
hair's a mess.
What will the
guys think?
Erm... All time No.1 babe, cake eating goddess, Marylin Monroe. Not yesterday, sadly.
So what do
you think of my hits?
Beyonce: Famous for her numerous curves and bouncy pair of hits. Or whatever. It's getting hard to think.
Cake Winslett is playing a part in the re-acceptance of curvy, sensual women, over anorexic stick-insects and has donated the damages
awarded her in the court case to a charity dedicated to providing cake and junk-food to super models. "I refuse to be forced
into being skinny and unnatural for the sake of my career," she told Duggy, in what he claims is a love letter, yesterday, "I'm
an actress and I want to be taken seriously for the dramatic characters I play, nothing more." Having said that, Winslett's
new movie, 'Life In The Fat Lane,' a comedy co-starring Eddie Murphy in a fat suit (again), will be released straight onto DVD sometime
next year.
It's all over.
I bet they're
glad to see the
the back of me.
