Gee, how can a
slogan actually make
you hungry?
1970's: Hippies, Flares & Flatulence.
Photo Opportunists. The Gentlemen Of The Press Yesterday.
Hey, d'ya think
she'll be wearing knickers?
How much
do you actually know about the Royal Family, Jo-Bob?
Paparazzi v's Stars!
It's War!
After years of paparazzi press intrusion into the lives of the shy and reclusive celebrities we all love to hate, the celebs are
finally fighting back! After a string of (wait for it), highly publicized attacks by celebs against paps, Brit movie star Hugh
Grant has decided to join their ranks, by bravely attacking a paparazzi member with a tub of Baked Beans!
But
what's behind the phenomenon? Drugs? Alcohol? Pressure? Breaking News now believes it may have found the answer!
"It's the beans," my mate Duggy explained. "Back in the seventies the, 'Beanz Meanz Heinz,' commercial was the most successful
in Britain. Since then, bean use has spread throughout the world. Crucially, most celebs are TOTALLY ADDICTED!" he claimed. I
asked him to go on and on. "Low in fat, high in energy and fibre, fast to make and great on toast. It's an evil combination
and it makes you fart like a trooper. That's the clue. They've learned how to reach the evil within us."
Hmm. This time I didn't
ask him to go on, but he did anyway. "A secret group known as The Illuminaughty have been using beans to take over," he claimed. "That's
why celebs are going mental. The Illuminaughty wants anarchy. And if they have to use beans on toast to get it, they will."
Golly, I do hope he doesn't think he's the only chap who can snap around here...
About the (bad) boy. Grant about to blow his floppy mop top yesterday.
Sorry, but
nobody farts
like I do, old
bean!
By jove, I'm
going to give this
blighter some
food for thought!
Jerk And The Beanstalk... Energetic but not full of beans, Hugh throws a wobbler. Or is it a tub?
Bean and gone and already done it. Sixties Heinz addict, Daltrey.
No imagination. Nicole Richie goes to any lengths to make a splash.
I'm your
manager, you ass-hole!
Keep those hits coming, JayKay!
Although Duggy's 'theory,' was clearly mentalistic, he was buying the drinks, so I indulged him. If Hugh's violent energy was coming
from the beans, what about the flatulence? "That'll all come out when he starts talking about what happened," Duggy assured me. Despite
this, when Breaking News talked to Grant, he was still angry. Possibly this was because we'd just accused him of having weapons of
mass consumption.
"I've been accused of saying, 'I hope your children die of cancer,' Hugh fumed, spitting baked beans out all
over the place. "I actually said, 'I hope they're happy campers.' I've also been accused of saying, 'Do you know who I am? I'm a millionaire.'
What I actually said was, 'Do you know who I am? I'm a man who cares.' It's possible that he misheard me, as I was kicking him during
the conversation."
Stuffing his face as he spoke, Hugh went on: "I don't put mayhem on the menu when I step out, but I really
had my plate full that day. They think they can eat me alive just because I have a lot of bread, but if they continue like this, they're
toast. If they can't stand the heat, they should get out of the kitchen."
After throwing the last of his beans at us for giggling,
Grant stormed off so that he could be alone and stomp about feeling sorry for himself in true British fashion. Later that day, I asked
a showbusiness expert (Duggy), what he thought about Grant's future:
"He's really pissed on his chips," Duggy told me, "which
is unfortunate, considering that he hurled away the only thing he could have replaced them with. Also, he's just not loveable anymore,
so he's basically a has-been, which is ironic, given that he no longer has any beans. Sadly," he concluded, "Hugh had it all,
but he threw it away."
Happily for Grant fans, Duggy is always wrong.
Hey Grant! I heard your girlfriend left
cos you kept telling her, "I love Hugh!"
Would you like some beans with that cheese?
Quit following me, you parasites!
