Paris Hilton, socialite and self-made porn star has been sentenced to forty-five days in smoky. Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer
turned out to be the one person on earth who didn't buy into Hilton's dizzy act, refusing to believe that the star didn't understand
she had been banned from driving, so the girl famous for going down was sent down!
Hilton insisted that she didn't know her ban was still in effect and modestly explained that it was everybody else's fault, not hers.
However, due to prison overcrowding the judge felt it would be better to send Paris to jail, rather than all her friends and family.
Hilton also
explained that she had failed to attend an, 'alcohol education,' program on the grounds that she has people mix her drinks for her
and doesn't need to learn about that kind of thing. The star became visibly upset when it was explained to her that she wouldn't be
allowed to take her dog or personal assistant to prison with her. She then yelled, "I'm appealing!" to which the judge responded,
"You're not appealing to me. Personally, I prefer Lindsey Lohan."
A cell with Paris
Hilton? What about
my human rights?
Damn. They'll suss I'm a guy the minute we hit the showers.
Justice? Get in line, Paris.
I demand to see
my hairstylist!
Hard time: Some are more used to giving it than doing it.
You are, uh, like my prisoner now! There will be no mercy!
Harsh reality: This clearly distressed prisoner learns the ropes the hard way.
At last... Paris Hilton could be my way out of this hell hole...
Hey governor, why not come in and play me a tune, huh?
This is like
some kind of
bad movie...
Corruption and manipulation: How will the prisoners cope with it all once Paris arrives?
Some have claimed that Paris will be put in solitary confinement, in order to protect other prisoners from being corrupted by her,
but the chances are that she will be free to mingle. Many (my mate Duggy, mainly), are worried about what this may lead to:
"This
is a new phase in Paris' career," Duggy said yesterday. "She now has prison cred on her side. She's up there with the gangsta rappers.
She has already shown signs of being racist. She could come out muscled up, with home-made tattoos all over herself. Her music may
change to rap, and her lyrics could well be fuelled by her mistrust of the cops and the system that screwed her over.
There's no doubt about it, she could turn into a bitchin' gangster!"
Clearly excited by the idea, he continued: "Rehab is out
now! That's gone! Paris has killed it. You either do hard time or you're nobody. She's taken the lead. Britney is nothing but a bald
karaoke singer now, but I believe she'll rise to the challenge and do something, maybe even a bank robbery. She has to."
I slipped
Duggy a couple of sleeping pills, but he kept going: "Paris could form a gang when she gets out," he enthused. "Her, Britney and Lindsey
Lohan! I see Britney as the more brutal, Al Capone type, but it's clear that Paris is the brains, the Lucky Luciano of the outfit.
This could end up with an all out war against the gangsta rappers. It could be a blood-bath." Despite this, I advised Duggy that a
cold shower might be more appropriate.
Still, it's pretty much a certainty that, once Paris does get out, a prison porno tape
starring the great 'lady' and her new friends will find it's way to a laptop near you. So stay tuned, if you lust. I mean, if you
must.
Paris bravely prepares to turn yet another personal disaster into hard cash.
Ok, I'm off to jail! Any idea what the other girls will be wearing?
